My sisters and brothers across EDSJ and the wider Episcopal Church,
We have been in “COVID” time for almost four months now. Original plans for retreats, meetings, and church events have been put on hold. There is no definitive date of when we will return to “normal” life, and that can be unsettling for everyone…myself included. As a leader, and just as Anna in general, I like to have a schedule so I know how to plan projects, establish goals and achieve desired outcomes. And my friends, not being able to plan in the ways I would like, has really tested my leadership skills. I am constantly learning and relearning what it means to be a leader in this really challenging time…and it’s not always been easy. Perhaps this is true for you as well. Perhaps you are learning and relearning how to be who you are, in all your varied roles, as well.
This month as a diocese, we are engaging in conversations with our friends, Dain and Constance Perry, around the book “Waking Up White”. It is our hope that we will become more conscious, more aware, of our privilege, as well as feel empowered to speak loving truth in the dismantling of racism and white supremacy in our communities. This is not easy work and there is no instruction manual to tell us what to do. Having said that, I recently completed the chapter on intention versus impact, and I’m finding that it is not only useful as we have conversations about racism, but it has lessons for leadership as well.
Intentions get me into all sorts of predicaments. I say something or respond to someone from what I think is a place of love or concern, and instead they hear something else. That “hearing something else” is the impact my statement has on them. In “Waking Up White” author Debby Irving gives the example of asking her husband if he’s emptied the dishwasher. Her intention is to find out if she can put a dirty dish in the washer, but what he heard was his wife nagging him. That’s intention vs impact.
While we can’t control what people hear when we speak to them, if we discover that the impact was not what was intended, a skilled leader can clarify, apologize, and work with the hearer to move forward in a positive direction. But my friends, this is really hard work. It means that as leaders we have to set aside our ego and defensiveness and instead listen deeply to the other. It means possibly having to adjust our expectations or intentions so that folks can work together cooperatively and compassionately. And it means being willing, as a leader, to take the time clarify, apologize for any offense (even if it’s unintentional), and then work together to move forward. Ultimately what I’m learning about intention vs impact is that the relationship and working together is equally if not more important than the outcome. Whew! That’s a lot of work!
Our communities are struggling these days with COVID, with systems of domination and oppression, with racism, with white supremacy, and with all the uncertainty that we are faced with on a daily basis. As leaders, both lay and clergy, we are being called to deep listening and compassionate response. It means we’ll need to monitor our intention vs impact in order to navigate these challenging times as we walk alongside one another.
Be well, stay safe, and stay healthy my friends,
Cn Anna
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